So... what I'm trying to say is...
What (what?) I'm trying to say is....
Not going to come out like I wanna say
'Cause I know you'll only gonna change it.
(Say it.)
You know that feeling you get when you first fall in love? The feeling that somehow, everything you do and see and are is slightly altered. Rationally you tell yourself that this is a silly thought; nothing has really changed. A sunny day is still a sunny day, flowers, freshly baked bread, paperwork, household chores and long drives are all unaltered... And yet, as you look around, you see your 'someone' in everything you do and in every place you go. A sunny day seems sunnier, flowers carry new meaning, freshly baked bread smells richer, housework seems to go quicker, paperwork and long drives are less tedious as you unconsciously equate them to, or plan out conversations about them with, your loved one. It's like viewing the world through love-colored glasses. While the things haven't actually changed, your new perception makes everything around you shaded by that special person.
When my husband was still just my boyfriend, I remember being surprised at how often I'd think of him. With a zing of excitement, I'd suddenly realize that I had been planning out how I was going to relate even the most mundane aspects of my day to him, how I really wanted to share my favorite places and foods with him or what I wanted to give him for Christmas... And later, when I realized that we were in it for the long haul, I'd find myself envisioning and planning our life together.
To be honest, I never stopped planning out my conversation with him or marveling about our shared experiences (though now it's not just upcoming ones, it's also ones that have passed), I just don't notice it as much anymore. 'I' have been a 'we' for so long it has become second nature. The zing has mellowed over the last 11 years but glasses are still there. My world is permanently (and wonderfully) Jason-tinted.
Recently, however, I came to the unhappy realization that this phenomenon is not limited to romance or even happiness. Another set of filters has been added to my life-viewing glasses. This set is tinted with... loss. I know that sounds cryptic and a tad dramatic but I can't really think of a better way to put it. Life stretches out in front of me with a cloud of "would haves" hanging over it. I had an image in my mind of how every significant date, event and holiday for the whole year was going to play out and, while life continues on (I still have a wedding next week, my 10 year class reunion next month, a huge family get together in November), it's not going to happen the way I'd envisioned it.
People keep telling me that I shouldn't be looking at the 'would haves' or remembering that things might have been different. And I know they're right. I should enjoy my year as it's happening and not dwell on how it might have gone down but somehow I can't seem to uncolor my world with loss any more than I can uncolor it with that 'we' feeling. All I can do is continue going about my life, despite the fog of loss and hope that this tint isn't quite as permanent as the other.
*******
